For all the clichés that exist regarding woman and aging or how women feel about revealing their age, I must say I am certainly looking forward to getting older. Yes, I am a woman and you read right, I cannot wait to get older. My reasoning behind this is quite simple. With age, comes experience. And with experience comes wisdom. Let me start from the top. My name is Koren and I am a 29 year old black woman living in the metropolitan city of Johannesburg, South Africa. Now, at the time of writing, I was four months away from my thirtieth birthday. Yip, the big 3.0. The last few months have, for the most part, been a time of reflection for me.
Looking back at the last ten years of my life has had me chuckling with sadness and a tinge of regret, because what are our twenties if not a decade of unmatched mistake-making and unparalleled amounts of lessons that need to be taught. However, it has also been filled with love, laughter, growth, achievement and a whole lot of partying. So while I have close girlfriends, also on the verge of saying Bon Voyage to their 20’s, who have started fanatically working out, using anti-aging crèmes and dropping more blatant hints about marriage and babies to their significant others, I had been quietly counting down the months to what I believe is going to be the best my best decade yet.
One of my role models is the incomparable, Oprah Winfrey…for obvious reasons which we shall not get into here. One of my favourite feature articles in her “O” magazine is the “What I know for sure.” Articles. The basic idea behind this is for Oprah to share with her millions of fans what she has learned over the years. So I’m pouching the concept for the purposes of this piece to share with you ten things I know for sure. (In no particular order of importance):
1. Patience is virtuous but not impossible – I am a firm believer in there being a right time for anything and everything that could occur. In times when patience was required, my inability to display it has led to me missing out on opportunities. Hang in there, if it is meant to be all the elements of the universe will align to make it happen.
2. Time does in fact heal – as cliché as this might seem, clichés always contain a certain degree of truth. Think back to your first ever heartbreak, how devastating was that huh? I remember thinking the dull aching pain at the bottom of my heart would never go away. And then one day I woke up, and it didn’t hurt so much. Before I knew it, I was right back into the dating game again, ready to take on life and love again. This goes for almost any situation that has brought us pain or sadness. Trust me on this one. It does get better.
3. Walking away from toxic relationships is the biggest act of self-love – The hardest thing anyone can do is have to walk away from a relationship that you have invested time and energy in. It is even harder when it is a close family member who becomes the toxic element. For all the heart-warming stories I have heard about blood being thicker than water, I had to cut the person out of my life for the sake of my safety and my sanity. Granted, difficulties in relationships exists, but do not fall for the romanticised version of toxic relationships. Love yourself enough to walk away.
4. Life has up’s and down, it’s just how it is – Unburden yourself from the indoctrination that good things happen to good people only. The problem with this type of thinking is that if you consider yourself an inherently good person, when things do not go according to plan we start questioning our “goodness”. We ask ourselves what we did to deserve it, whereas as so and so is a horrible person but continues to flourish. Well, that’s life. What matters is how YOU decide to come back from the unfortunate situation.
5. You can’t keep doing the same thing, expecting different results – This was big for me, especially when it came to my romantic relationships. For the most part of my twenties I dated, and eventually married, the same kind of man. And believe me, I was beyond frustrated at this. In fact, for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me (I had read some ridiculous comment that said you the common denominator in all your relationships, so you need to look at yourself every time a relationship fails) But then I came to realise I was falling into the same patterns because I was approaching each relationship in the same manner. Only once I started changing my dating behaviour did I start meeting men a little closer to my ideal. I’m just saying.
6. Be forgiving towards yourself first – Most of us have been raised with the belief that forgiving others for the wrongs done towards us is the way to heal from a situation. This is true but what about forgiving yourself? We hardly place any focus on self-forgiveness when we do others wrong or make mistakes. We seem to submerge ourselves in torturous guilt trips in hopes some external force will swoop down and forgive us. I’m sorry to tell you this, but you going to wait really long. I’m here to tell you, we human, we all make mistakes. It’s okay.
7. Live your truth – When Caitlyn Jenner transitioned from a man to a women at the age of sixty in front of the world, one thing stuck out for me, he knew from an early age how he wanted to live but the fear of his family and society stopped him. In his interview with Diane Sawyer, Caitlyn said that he had known as early as five years old that she wanted to be a woman. Can you imagine, living a lie for over five decades? Caitlyn’s story taught me that people will either support or reject you for how you choose to live, the bottom line is that you are living an authentic existence that makes you happy. You only have this one life after all, make the best of it.
8. Spoil yourself – With rising cost of everyday living, we live in a time where we work harder than ever and spend less time enjoying what we work for. For what it’s worth, if you a middle class income fetcher like myself, you know that there is never enough money to go around, so why not spare a few pennies of your hard earned money on yourself. Every month I do something small for myself, even if it’s just a simple nail treatment or a delicious lunch out with friends. Again, life is short, make the best of your time on this earth.
9. Stop whining – Basically this speaks to the age old saying “if you not happy with a situation you are in, change it or stop complaining about it”. Now you might be rolling your eyes at this point because this is easier said than done, but I stand by this. Whining has never changed anything, it annoys those around you and only covers you in a blanket of negativity.
10. You are enough – Thanks to the invention of the internet and social media we are constantly bombarded with images of how fabulous other people’s lives are (We can thank the creators of Instagram for this unnecessary pressure) we also living in a world that is becoming more and more competitive. We compete for everything from better jobs to number of followers on Twitter. And for the most part, we never really fill whatever void we trying too. Ever heard the saying “there will always be someone prettier, thinner and smarter than you”…well this saying couldn’t be truer. The bottom line is you more than enough boo.
So there you have it my simple take on what life has taught me so far. Use it, don’t use it. That’s up to you. It goes without saying that I am very excited to enter the next phase of my life. I believe that armed with the above 10 lessons, the best days of my life are ahead of me. And boy, I cannot wait.
You can follow me on twitter: @koren_devereux
